Saved? Or Damned?

So many things would have been easier had you just let me go when I was planning on going. You wouldn’t be severely pissed off right now because no one would know about your dirty secrets, thus meaning no one would be able to harass you. You make me feel shitty for wanting to hear you say “I promise” then don’t do what you would have normally promised to do, after giving this speech about how you do it every other time… You threaten to stop talking to me over something that I don’t even completely understand. You treat me like I am insignificant anymore, but I must admit that being treated by you at all is a blessing all on it’s own. I still love you more than any person should love another, and I am sorry that I burden you with this truth. Honestly, you should have just let me kill myself and be done with the pain, rather than make me live and suffer every day that I must go on without you. The sad thing is that no matter what I do or say, nothing will ever change your mind. When you think of me you get angry and upset. When I think of you, I feel happy, and when I am with you I feel complete and like there isn’t anything I can’t accomplish. You probably don’t even love me in the least bit anymore. Why did you come when I got jumped? Why were you willing to harm other people for me? You say it’s because we are friends, but friends DO NOT viciously start asking questions and threaten to not talk to them anymore. It’s sad to know that you don’t know how low my heart sank when I read that. The truth is that not talking to you for an extended period of time would kill me. It hurts to know that you are willing to throw away everything because of someone else being childish and immature about this “situation”. I am sorry that I vented to people, but when it comes down to it at least when I vent to people I am  not lying to them about what happened between us. I told them that we slept together because that is what had happened. I have not told anyone a lie about you. I do not call you names behind you’re back. I do not tolerate anyone else saying anything bad about you. Maybe you have never really loved me… You were never able to do this for me. I was always the slut, the bitch, etc.… There is nothing slutty about me. I only sleep with one person. I only sleep with people I care about.

Sorry that I care about you to the point where you are the only person I want to do sexual things with. Sorry that I love you to the point of being ready to get married 5 minutes ago. Sorry that I fucked up oh so much in our relationship. Sorry that it has taken me this long to let you know how I really feel for you. Sorry that I can’t change the past, because if I could I would in a heartbeat.

No matter how many songs I write about you, none of them will ever convey how much I love and care for you. For Christ’s sake I am ready to be lynched for you, and when I hear that Bruno Mars song “Grenade” I can’t help but think that Bruno Mars has no idea what love is compared to how I feel about you. “Nothing can ever be as it was.” I know that. For damn sure I do know that. Honestly, we could have made it work. We could have been so much more than we ever were. I know in my heart, that one day you will wake up and realize that something is missing in your life, me. By that time, I truly believe I will be long gone from this world. It makes me really sad to know that when you look back at our entire relationship all you dwell on is all the bad things, while I can’t help to think about all the times that you made me smile and blush. All the times you said that I was the only one. and that time you said to me “I have never loved anything more than you.” The times you used to carry me to bed, when you used to be by my side every night without fail. Those are the things I think of when I think of us…

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2 thoughts on “Saved? Or Damned?

    1. If I could I would go back in time and change all that. I would have been there walking the 16 miles with you and Dave that night. I would have came right to you the afternoon Uncle Ron passed, regardless of us arguing or my legitimate fear of saying something wrong to make you mad. Anytime I hung out with anyone, I should have brought you along. Not only would you know that I didn’t sleep with them, but we could have been better friends with people that way. I honestly think that it is better that I can not recall every little good time we had, for if I did, I would have probably killed myself without warning. I feel there is really no point anymore. Chances are that you will never hold me in your arms romantically ever again, so why bother getting upset about all my mistakes and flaws now?

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